Last week marked 1 year since I made the decision to get divorced and tell the world.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how much has happened and what all has changed in the last year. It’s honestly quite mind blowing and sometimes I still can’t believe it.
Everyone always tells me, “You’re so strong! You’re doing such a good job with handling everything.” Of course, I’m grateful people recognize my strength, but to be honest, I don’t feel that strong and most of the time I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job. A good job, yes, but not a great job.
Even though I am happy with our decision and I try to make the best of every day with the girls, it doesn’ mean that I don’t get sad every single time I drop my girls off at their Dad’s house. Or that on my days and nights without my girls I often get sad and cry. It doesn’t mean that I don’t realize how awful divorce can be and that it affects other people too. Just because I am choosing to be happy doesn’t mean that this hasn’t been extremely stressful, hard or sad for me. That being said, I think it would be more detrimental to the girls if I sat around depressed and angry. I’m teaching them that things are going to happen in life that make you sad and hurt, but you have to keep getting up every day and continue moving forward. Having that understanding of resiliency and ability to overcome heartache will be something that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
As I have been reflecting on the last year, I was reading through my journal that I started during the beginning of quarantine last Spring. I found an entry from almost a year ago and thought I would share some of my feelings at one of the hardest times in my life:
June 26, 2020 ~
“I feel like my life is falling apart. Tomorrow is my Dad’s birthday and I miss him more than ever. This divorce is taking a toll on me. I’m sad, stressed, anxious and making bad decisions I’m not proud of. I’ve displayed low value behavior and that is not ok. I need to get my head on straight and make smart decisions that are in line with the goals I set for myself. I never knew this would be this hard.
To be brave is to forsake all others to be true to yourself. That is the definition of a brave girl.”
Life is full of twists and turns, and all I know is that I am doing the best I can. I try to take it one day at a time and think about making small changes every day that will help myself grow as a person and that will ultimately help my daughters.
