“MOMENT BY MOMENT”
Divorce does not get easier. Even if you are happy with yourself, happy with your decision and have happily moved on, it’s still really hard. I think a lot of people assume if you start dating again or appear “put together,” that you are 100% healed and doing just fine. That is not the case though. I think we are ALL constantly in a state of healing ourselves. And, if you happen to be one of the divorced ones, it’s something you are constantly thinking about and mentally dealing with on a daily basis.
I’m a planner at heart. However, since 2020 hit, and I became divorced and started sharing custody of the kids, I realized I needed to live my life day by day.
During a low point last month, when I felt beyond stressed and overwhelmed, I was having a meaningful conversation with a dear friend who offered me some words of wisdom. He told me to “live moment by moment, because living day to day is too big a stretch of time. “ The “moment by moment” has really stuck with me, and is something I have to focus on every single day, every single moment.
Spending some adult time in Chicago
I was having a conversation with a friend, who also has young children and has been divorced a few years now. She too shares custody and has her kids 50% of the time. She also does the 2-2-5 custody schedule. We were talking about how we feel as if we live two separate lives. When we don’t have our kids, especially for the 5 day stretch, we are living a life without kids – free and available to do whatever we want. Of course there are some days when our kids have sports and activities and we will absolutely be there, but for the most part, those 5 days are the complete opposite of our days with the kids. We both agreed that staying in our homes felt lonely, eerie and super quiet without all our kids running around and being loud. We talked about how we preferred to spend our days without the kids at our boyfriend’s houses, so we weren’t constantly reminded of the quietness that filled that house without our sweet kids. Sometimes those 5 day stretches are filled with fun adventures, lots of adult time, fun nights out, or even a vacation if we can get away from work.
Enjoying a weekend in Chicago with my BFF for my birthday. I was a little disappointed I didn’t get to see my kids on my birthday, so I made the most of it by planning a fun trip out of town.
However, when that time is up, it’s almost like you morph into a completely other person. We compared stories about switching gears, going from a single adult to a full time single Mom. We frantically run around before our kids come, going to the grocery, getting everything as perfect as can be and ready for them to arrive. We do the switch with our ex husbands, and shuffle around the sports equipment, backpacks, lunchboxes, water bottles, stuffed animals, school papers, shoe bag, pool bag, electronics bag with computers, iPads, phones, chargers, etc. The transition is always hard. And not just for the Moms. It’s hard for the kids too. It always takes a full day for my kids to adjust, especially my youngest. She gets upset at the switch, and always asks why we can’t just all live together and why they are always packing bags. It’s hard. It’s heartbreaking. And, it’s our life. Every 2 days, every 2 days, and every 5 days. 2-2-5.
For all the Moms who are living two separate lives and constantly having to switch gears, I see you. I feel you. I know how mentally challenging it can be. And you’re doing a GREAT job. Even though most days you think you’re failing, you’re not. Your kids will recognize that you are strong and you are setting a shining example for them. They know you are striving for true happiness and that you refuse to stay in a bad situation that doesn’t bring you joy. When you think you can’t do it anymore, and the shuffle and the juggle is too much, just know that you got this. There are other single moms all over who are doing it too, and they are cheering you on. We’ve got each other’s backs, especially when our non-divorced friends don’t understand. They don’t understand just how hard it is to switch modes and go from having your babies under your roof every day, to not having them under your roof for 5 whole days (or longer!) And, they don’t understand that no matter how long you’ve been divorced, it’s still hard every single time you drop them off or say goodbye. Your friends may think you are OK and that you’ve moved on, but us divorced Moms know that you still get teary eyed every time you say goodbye and let go of all control of your babies. We get you and we got you. You may feel so completely alone, but you are not. You are not alone and you are doing a great job.
Life is short and life is hard, but it sure can be beautiful too. Don’t miss those moments. Be present. Stay strong.
