Honestly, the beginning of quarantine feels like a blur. It wasn’t until a few weeks in when I realized that for so much of my recent life I had been masking my unhappiness with busyness. You see, we led a very busy life. 3 daughters, sports, school, activities, games, concerts, work events, galas, vacations. We never stopped. We were constantly out and about. Once quarantine hit and everything got canceled, I had time to think. I had time to dig deep, to have conversations with myself, to journal, to sit in silence and think about what it was I really wanted.
What made me happy? My ex-husband and I had been in marriage therapy for an entire year. It was the Summer of 2019 when we hit rock bottom and realized we needed professional help. We put in the work, and I truly wanted to want it to work. But, deep down I knew there was too much damage. Too much hurt from past occurrences. No matter the amount of change post-therapy, I think deep down I knew it was over for a long time. I wasn’t ready to live in my truth though. So, I kept pushing forward until it hit me that if we didn’t have children then I wouldn’t be caught in this emotional turmoil. I realized that if I was really only holding on for the kids, for family traditions and holidays, then I wasn’t living out my truth. I wasn’t being unapologetically me, or setting the best example possible for my 3 daughters.
So, I put in the inner work, I asked myself the hard questions and I even made lists of pros and cons of staying married vs getting divorced. I was one foot in the door, one foot out the door for over a year, and I needed that nudge to move forward with making my decision. It was my husband that gave me that final nudge. He finally came forward and asked me if this marriage was good for me, or if it would be better if we parted ways. Did I question my decision after that dreadful day of telling my children the awful news? Absolutely. 3 months later do I feel content with my decision? Absolutely. However, do I feel confident that I know what I am doing? Absolutely not. I do however, know that true happiness comes from within. Not from anyone else.
When I was trying to make my big decision, I came across this quote and it really spoke to me:
“It’s okay if you don’t know what to feel, if you don’t know what you want and if you can’t figure things out as you go. It’s okay to not want something you worked so hard on getting – after realizing it wasn’t what you thought it was. It’s okay to change your mind, to make mistakes, to walk away from someone you once loved – from something that once meant the world to you. It’s okay, because this is your life, your cause, your body, your beliefs, your mind, your heart, your feelings. And you don’t need validation from no one, other than you and I hope it doesn’t take you a lifetime to realize that.”